Shoes

I recently purchased by first pair of Crocs.

I am trying hard not to feel silly wearing them. It is a challenge. They are a midnight blue hue with lighting bolts across their surface. Imagine the wickedly cool lighting bolts that one guy in high school had painted on the side of his van and you can picture the newest addition to my footwear line-up.

Eventually, I am told, I will feel less self-conscious about wearing them whether in strap-up clogging around mode, or strap-down sports mode or as my daughter says “Adventure Mode.”

My daughter has been a Crocs fan for many years and has been advocating for me to make the leap into purchasing what is fundamentally very silly footwear not at all appropriate for “serious people” who do things like attend government meetings and write newspaper editorials. Yet, here we are.

For those old enough to remember, Crocs gained exposure in the 2006 film “Idiocracy” a satirical movie about the accelerating downward intellectual spiral of American society. I would suggest watching “Idiocracy,” but I fear that it has possibly aged too well since it came out and is close to crossing the line from being satire to being a documentary.

The costume design for the movie had a low budget and the designer chose Crocs for people to wear because inexpensive and she thought they looked like a shoe of the future but too ridiculous to ever be widely adopted.

And yet, I have a pair of them that I have actually worn in public.

In my defense, I got my pair due to spending a lot of time this year soaking wet and stomping around in puddles the size of swimming pools. While my standard daily shoes do a good job as being weather resistant, they are not weather proof. Typical leather shoes take a few days to dry out after being soaked and once they get that distinctive musty smell, it never really goes away no matter what kind of insoles, powders or sprays you use.

The advantage of Crocs is that with them being essentially made of formed plastic, getting them wet doesn’t really impact them as much and they dry rapidly. Unlike the standard Crocs, which are distinctive in being covered with holes mine have a solid exterior. This is because I got mine from the professional line that is rated to be able to be used in places like kitchen. While I am unable to use my shoe as a substitute colander for draining pasta, I have a very small amount of additional foot protection, and less of a chance of getting a polkadotted sunburn if I wear them while out in the sun.

Before I get attacked by Croc-loving purists, I will note that Crocs are made out of a proprietary material called Croslite. Heading down into the materials science rabbit hole, Croslite is composed primarily of polyethylene vinyl acetate, or PEVA. This material, belongs to a class of compounds called polymers — which if you have spent time in a high school chemistry class you will know are large molecules that are made of smaller, repeating molecules joined together.

All this means is that in the off chance my footwear catches fire, it would be best to make sure you are upwind and even then should probably not linger overly long.

In my defense, and clinging to the remote hope to maintain my status as a “serious person,” I have tried various sandals over the years. The type of thing you slip on to let the dog out or go to the beach.

Most have proven to be uncomfortable or leaving me with the fear that with every step I take they will go hurtling ahead of me. Hopping to one’s errant footwear in not a way to maintain any status as being a “serious person.”

I thought briefly about resorting to a pair of thong-style flip flops, but they offer even less protection and a day spent wearing them would have me aching in places I don’t want to ache.

So if you happen to catch me clogging around in my lightning-bolt covered Crocs, I hope you won’t judge me too harshly or wonder if I am having some mid-life crisis manifestation where silly shoes take the place of slick sports cars.

Sometimes it is a just a matter of comfort over style and a desire not to have soggy feet.

Brian Wilson is News Editor at The Star News. Contact Brian at BrianWilson@centralwinews.com.