October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month

The statistics are incredibly saddening. According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline (the hotline.org), nearly three in 10 women (29 percent) and one in 10 men in the U.S. have experienced rape, physical violence and/or stalking by a partner and reported it having a related impact on their functioning. Intimate partner violence affects more than 12 million people in the U.S. each year.

Additionally, our state saw the largest increase in domestic violence deaths in the last two decades in 2022, according to the advocacy group End Domestic Violence Wisconsin (EDVW). Last year, Wisconsin set a new record for total number of homicides and suicides related to domestic violence incidents in the state. There were 96 deaths related to domestic violence in Wisconsin last year, which includes both victims and perpetrators. That’s 20 percent more than the previous year and the largest single-year increase recorded by the group. Of the deaths that occurred, 49 percent occurred in rural areas, making up a much larger percentage of the total deaths than in previous years. Abusers may use a rural setting to their advantage, making it easier to isolate their victims and prevent them from accessing resources.

Although it is happens all around us, domestic violence often goes undetected because of the isolation and manipulation that occurs. According to EDVW, domestic violence is “a pattern of coercive, controlling behavior that can include physical, emotional, verbal, sexual, financial and other abuse. Domestic violence is more than physical violence. It can include threats, harassment, putting someone down, pressuring someone around sex, controlling finances and other tactics to gain power and control.”

One of the common questions people ask is, why don’t victims of domestic violence just leave the situation? But it is rarely that simple. There are several reasons a victim might stay in an abusive relationship, according to EDVW. One is fear and intimidation. The abuser may threaten to harm the victim and/or their children or pets if they leave. Indeed, a victim’s risk of getting killed greatly increases when they’re in the process of leaving or have just left, and the statistics bear that out. Another reason is a lack of financial resources. The victim is often totally financially dependent on the abuser. There is also the impact of emotional abuse. The abuser may use tactics like gaslighting to convince the victim that the abuse is really their fault and therefore, they should be able to stop it. In addition, victims may still have strong, intimate feelings for their partner and be convinced to stay because the abuser promises to change.

The true impact of domestic violence is revealed through the stories of victims, stories of incredible courage and perseverance. Elizabeth, a gun and domestic violence survivor, shared her story with Amnesty International. Her ex-partner shot and killed her daughter, and shot her in the face. She had to have facial reconstruction surgery and was in a coma for almost a month. She still has problems with her facial muscles. She’s decided to tell her story in an effort to let people know they’re not alone and that they can overcome even the most severe trauma.

“The first time somebody asked me to talk about what happened, it was hard,” said Elizabeth. “It’s hard every time. But if it changes one life, it matters to me. Domestic violence is such a personal issue and it’s a secret. We must get people to understand that they’re not in it by themselves.”

Twahna, another survivor, met her abuser while a sophomore in college. She thought he was her “wonder guy” and “prince charming” until one day he turned on her and slapped her. That began a downward spiral of mental, physical and sexual abuse. Her abuser only showed Twahna’s friends and family his “good side” so they had no idea what she was going through.

“He isolated me from my support system, those who loved and cared for me dearly. Lines of communication with family and friends were limited. He monitored my every move,” said Twahna.

The situation reached a breaking point when one day Twahna’s boyfriend began to strangle her. She envisioned herself dying at his hands and realized she had to get out.

The next day, after her boyfriend left for the day, Twahna gathered her things from the apartment, left and never came back. She said it was the “scariest time of (her) life” but she got through it and eventually began to share her story. She even went as far as creating her own organization, the Butterfly Society, to help victims of domestic violence through direct services, legislation and partnerships. “One person can’t do this alone. It takes many hands and many voices to do this work,” said Twahna.

There are several ways to make a difference. If your or someone you know is suffering from domestic violence, please reach out for help. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available at 1-800-799-SAFE or by texting “START” to 88788. You can also chat online at thehotline.org.

There are also worthwhile organizations you can donate to, to support victims of domestic violence, including the Personal Development Center – Orenda Center (pdcmarshfield.org), Shirley’s House of Hope (shirleyshouseofhope.org) and The Hannah Center (hannahcenter.com) in Marshfield. All of these support women in crisis situations, including those from our area. The Hannah Center used to be solely for pregnant women who could no longer remain in their home environment and needed housing, but it has since expanded its mission to any woman in crisis, whether or not she is pregnant.

These shelters provide emergency housing, as well as resources and classes to help women find healing and transition into long-term recovery. As Shirley’s House of Hope puts it, the mission is to “rebuild, renew, restore.”

There is hope for victims of domestic violence to experience freedom and a better life. No one should have to live their life in fear. Although none of us can solve this problem on our own, together we can make an impact, one life at a time.

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