Running is for the birds. Or green alien things

I have been running on a fairly regular basis for about two months now, but it took me all of two minutes to remember why I hadn’t been doing it before.

Look, I’m a simple person. If I do not have some sort of second-by-second goal like “put ball in basket” or “run to base” to constantly distract me from the fact that I am exerting myself beyond normal circumstances, my mind is apt to wander to the question of “why am I even doing this?” Which turns out to not be a very helpful thought to think over and over for three miles. Does it help that the scenery of our unfinished basement is the only thing to really look at, and thus provides very little in the way of distractions? Probably not. Why did I decide to pick up running in the middle of winter then, when the treadmill was the only real option? A very poignant question, to which a shrug of the shoulders is the only answer that I have. Regardless of perhaps the less than ideal circumstances, I feel like I’m safe in saying that running is for the birds.

What’s that? There are numerous theories and studies based around evidence that humans are actually designed as endurance runners? From the bipedal nature of our legs to our strong Achilles’ tendons and glutes, there are significant advantages that humans have over various other animals for running long distances? Hmm…And I guess there’s only a handful of birds that can really run for any sort of distance, let alone significant ones, so maybe that statement was not as safe as I had initially deemed.

Fine, fine. So, maybe running is for humans. Just not this particular human. Science can say what it wants, but I don’t think my personal dislike for the activity on its own was taken into account in any of these studies. Ah well. Cardio is important, so it’s back to the treadmill for me. *** Monday evening, a mysterious visitor had arrived on our porch. The suspect in question was about five foot tall, green, with big ears and a Santa hat. He had initially escaped our notice, despite his glowing nature, but Mikaela eventually discovered the invader. A Christmas-themed blow-up Grogru (a.k.a Baby Yoda) lawn decoration had suddenly appeared just outside our home. After clearing up that neither of us had put him out there, we were left with the conundrum of who had. After all, this particular Grogu was completely helpless when it came to moving himself, so he must have had help.

The list of suspects began to grow in my mind, and I knew it was time. All those Tuesday evenings spent watching NCIS while “doing my homework” were finally going to come in handy. An investigation was to be had.

First, gather the evidence. I asked that surveillance footage of the area be scrubbed through, so that we might eventually be able to do the classic “zoom and enhance” trick that is definitely real. Unfortunately, I was told no such footage existed, so that was out the window. Fine, fingerprints then. Another dead end. Turns out, we neither had the equipment to find them nor access to any databases to actually make use of any prints. These guys were good. They were evading me at every step.

Fine, no evidence…except the mere existence of Grogu and the footprints leading away from the porch. Not nothing, but not much either. Still, I’d seen Gibbs make do with less, so it was on to the next tactic. Interrogation.

I began going down the list of potential suspects, utilizing all my techniques I had learned. First, turns out “good cop, bad cop” doesn’t really work when it’s the same person doing both parts. Second…they all denied involvement. From text replies of “???” to incantations of “it wasn’t me,” it felt like I was in a 2000’s Shaggy music video. But just like in Shaggy’s song, one of them was clearly lying…but who?

The investigation continues to this very day, and I won’t rest until it’s solved. Forensics will turn up something, or someone will crack, I know it. And when the breakthrough happens, I’m going to be there. But for now, keep your eyes peeled… you never know when someone might put a cute giant alien on your porch. It happened to me, and it could happen to anyone. A C ertain Point of V iew