I condemn all the weak condemnation

I condemn all violence of any sort against all people, animals, insects, single-cell amoebas and hip-hop music fans.

There. That outta' stop it. No, you don't think that simple declaratory statement of my disdain for meanness is going to make a substantial difference? Well, that's what the secretary of the United Nations says when one country invades another, and it's what our very own president says when some lunatic shoots up a school, and it's even what the commissioner of the National Football League says when one of his players molests a dorm full of cheerleaders. What more do we need? Real action? Tangible consequences? Thirty lashes with a wet noodle?

Sorry to vent here this week (I don't have a cat anymore so you're gonna' have to take it), but I'm sssoooooo sick and tired of high-ranking officials putting out statements that they 'condemn' whatever act of hatred, violence, war, atrocity or use of coconut frosting on an otherwise perfectly good cake. Just this week, for instance, after Uncle Vlad Putin lobbed another round of missiles at civilian targets in Ukraine, every national leader around the globe rushed to their Twitter account to verbally denounce the action, to which I'm sure Vlad said, 'Yawn. Pass the borscht, comrade.'

Or something like that. I'm not privy to exact transcripts from the Kremlin bunker.

I suppose important people are expected to make official statements of condemnation in these instances, lest their silence be somehow construed as passive approval of said act. But really, what's the point? Does the Taliban in Afghanistan stop persecuting women because the Pope condemns their behavior? Does the Chinese government give a rip that Joe Biden condemns the fact that public dissidents are fed to tigers (no proof, just a hunch)? Does anyone anywhere care that The Roadrunner condemns Wile E. Coyote every time he tries to drop an anvil on him?

Official condemnation has been happening since the beginning of time, I imagine, when an Egyptian Pharaoh issued a statement saying (& %%& ()& %$#. (That's hieroglyphics for 'I condemn Moses' plague of frogs.') Moses, of course, ignored the statement and brought a subsequent plague of locusts, which set a pretty solid precedent that a guy can ignore an official condemnation and get away with it. Thusly, when the Viking King Ragnar invaded Normandy in 1651 and cut the heads off everyone he could catch, he didn't much give a hoot when the head of the Celtic public information bureau sent out a smoke signal to note that he condemned the bloodshed.

Mind you, now, some of these facts may not be historically precise. Go ahead. Condemn me for it. See if that stops me.

The next step up from a good condemnation tongue-lashing, of course, is the ever-ineffective sanction. A sanction is defined as 'a coercive measure' often perpetrated by a group to discourage another from acting in a certain way, but by no means does the use of such action have any teeth. The United States likes to impose sanctions on naughty nations, we all know, like Iran and Syria and Venezuela and Russia, and then issue statements like, 'Be patient. The sanctions are working.'

Yeah, sure. The Rocky Mountains are eroding, too. Let's not wait until we have a clear view all the way from Kansas to the West Coast to do something that actually works.

I know I'm talkin' smart here, as if I would have any more courage to take decisive action if I was in a position to do so. I mean, just in my own life, sometimes I take the meek way out, and like, condemn a fellow driver on the road for pulling out in front of me, rather than ramming him in the rear end. At home, I condemn anyone who finishes a roll of toilet paper and leaves the empty cardboard cylinder on the holder, yet I don't take retaliatory action like spiking the ketchup with ghost pepper sauce. I also condemn people who throw cigarette butts on the ground, those who leave their snotty tissues on the table for a poor waitress to pick up, and those who interrupt their conversation with me to check out a new text, yet I don't do anything about it. Oh, yeah, I condemn Tom Brady for playing another year of football even though his super model wife didn't want him to. Just figured I'd better be on record on that one, you know, just in case she becomes available in the near future.

I read just this week where some senator who's the head of a foreign affairs committee of some sort was going to introduce an official resolution so the entire United States Senate could 'condemn' Saudi Arabia for cutting oil production, which, of course, will raise gasoline prices here. Again, no real action, no real consequences, no retaliation, just a spineless and useless declaration that we don't like something. Heck, I've seen 3-year-olds throw temper tantrums in Wal-Mart because they can't have a bag of Gummy Bears that get more response than Senate resolutions.

I do understand that there has to be a delicate balance between diplomacy and forceful action, otherwise we'd all be throwing bombs and missiles at each other every time some country imposed a new tariff on steel or one country or another accused somebody else of stealing some classified intelligence. But, for cryin' out loud, all this condemning and sanctioning has become laughable, like the old 'boy who cried wolf' fable. After all, if I go through the line at the cafeteria everyday and say 'I condemn your meat loaf,' but never do any more about it, they're just gonna keep on servin' it.

By the way. I like the meat loaf, just using it as an example, although it could do with fewer onions.

Well, anyway, thanks for listening. That's my pet peeve for the week. Condemn me if you must for expressing my thoughts, but please don't impose sanctions. I'm not sure I can make it if you freeze all my foreign assets.

THE

BORN

LESAR