Making my list and checking it twice

Due, of course, to the recent pandemic, I have not been to a Canadian province to chase tasty fish since 2019. I will be going back soon, but after consulting my now 3-year-old trip packing notes, I have questions: Do I really need to take 17 pairs of underwear?

Do greasy wallet fillets and high-octane Canadian beer really roil ones innards that badly?

If so, will the 6-pack of Ultra Strong Charmin I'm taking last me all week, or will I have to use both sides?

Was that last line really necessary? Should I prepare for cold weather and take long johns and sweatshirts and wool socks?

If it's really that cold, do you honestly believe I'm gonna sit in the wind in an aluminum tub when I could instead be at the cabin table near a heater playing Dirty Clubs for quarters?

Why don't we play for dollars? Do you know how cheap I am? Is SPF 20 sunscreen strong enough for my almost translucently white middle European descent skin or should I just get naked and roll around in some thick Ontario mud before I hit the water?

Would you like me to send a selfie of that back for you?

Do you think that would violate any international porno laws? If I get caught, would you lie to the investigators for me and tell them that I was insane at the time from inhaling too many Deepwoods OFF fumes?

Speaking of insect repellent, do you think nine gallons is enough for a week?

Did you know one pregnant female Canadian mosquito can suck enough blood out of a single human vein to cause dizziness, nausea and hallucinations?

Or was that from the high-octane beer we were talking about?

In regards to beer, if I try to sneak more than my one allotted duty-free case across the border and I get caught and placed on an international illegal substance smuggling list, can I tell the border agents that you dared me to do it?

Can I give them your cell number? Have I sharpened my fillet knife since 2019? Did you know it was so dull back then that none of the self-inflicted cuts on my fingers was more than three/eighths-inch deep and all the infection had gone away in less than four months?

Did you know that penicillin really is a miracle drug?

Did you know that at our camp we clean fish in a special shack and that the camp host collects all the guts in a 55-gallon barrel and dumps them in the woods for the bears to eat?

Do you know what a 55-gallon barrel full of fish guts smells like?

Would you believe it's remarkably similar to the breath of a pudgy American fisherman who's been swallowing greasy wallet fillets, deep-fried tater tots and baked beans for a week?

As for breath, should I even take a tooth brush or should I save the luggage space for an extra #9 chartreuse deep-diving ShadRap?

And do I have enough lures, I mean, is an entire jumbo soft-sided tackle bag packed full of crankbaits, spoons, spinners, live-bait rigs, jigs, fake frogs and rubber leeches really enough, or should I take out another mortgage on my house and get more?

And do I have the right colors and sizes?

What if the #7 perch pattern with rattle beads is the hot bait this year, and all I have is the #8 blue-chrome shallow diver with the pink fin tips?

What if the other guy in my boat is catching fish after fish after fish and all I can hook is my own eyelid when I throw my rod and reel down in disgust?

If at the end of the day I come back to camp with a boatload of fish but no partner, will the rest of the guys believe it was an accident or will they know I pushed him out and tossed him an anvil instead of a life preserver?

Why do I carry an anvil in the boat? Whassa matter, don't you prepare for every occasion?

Back to my packing list, do you think I should take my sleep apnea machine along or just leave it at home?

If I leave it at home, wanna place any bets on how many nights go by before the rest of the guys in my cabin either shove a dish towel down my throat or move my bed out onto the dock while I'm snoring?

And what about shirts?

Since the dude I'm most likely to be fishing with each day is a Minnesota Viking fan, should I take all Packer T-shirts or toss in a generic one just to give him a break?

Should I be worried if he brings an anvil in the boat, too?

A valid passport is a must to take, obviously, but do you think they'll notice that I've scribbled 'Ukraine Mercenary 2022' into the empty notes pages?

If they detain me on the Canadian side of the border for any length of time, do you think President Biden would use my plight to create an international incident to take attention away from inflation, immigration and abortion rights, or would he just say, 'Oh, we've been looking for a way to get rid of him for quite a while anyway. That was easy.'?

Oh, and on my toiletry list, do you really think I'll need lilac/pomegranate shampoo, Ocean Surf deodorant, menthol shaving cream, and Sauvage by Dior cologne, or will the black bears still be able to find me when I crawl onto a wilderness shoreline somewhere after nature calls and it ain't a busy signal?

If a pudgy white American fisherman screams like a girl in the middle of a Canadian forest and there's nobody there to hear it, does he really make a sound?

One last thing -- after my last trip I made a note that I definitely have to take ear plugs in the future, but don't you think they'd be more for the other guys?

I mean, would you wanna have to listen to more of this for a whole week?

THE

BORN

LESAR