THE BORN LESAR
Mr. Garden Dude's early season advice: Just beet it
Tell me the truth now, when's the last time you turned to your lawfully-wedded spouse (or illegally-harbored escaped prison convict, I'm not one to judge) and said, 'Honey, I sure miss the Ask Mr. Garden Dude advice column.'
Like last night, maybe, just after dinner while you were paging through the seed catalog comparing the latest tomato cultivars? Or last weekend, when the garden soil first poked out from the winter's snow blanket, perhaps? Or could be, I suppose, a few months ago already, when you went to the pantry and remembered you had no canned vegetables from last summer because you followed my tip and mulched with cement?
Yeah, heh-heh, sorry about that. Maybe should've tried it myself before telling you it'd double your yields. On the bright side, I'll bet you didn't have many weeds to pull.
Moving on -- quickly, before you recall how angry you were in August when your pea pods were about as empty as Bill Gates' chances of qualifying for a COVID stimulus check -- let's start anew and begin a fresh season of sharing planting tips, canning techniques, weed control methods, and the occasional discussion of which animal produces the best manure. I'm kind of a sheep man myself, but hey, if you wanna' stand behind a horse and wait, that's your choice. I always say, everybody's entitled to their own favorite load of s--t, whether you find it on Facebook or elsewhere.
For those of you unfamiliar with the Ask Mr. Garden Dude format, the presumptive process is for you readers to send me your gardening questions -- which I have less chance of answering accurately than I do sitting first flute in the next Berlin Philharmonic Orchestra's Rachmaninov Revival -- and I then research the topic and give to you -- free of charge, no less -- my best advice. Of course, knowing that my only qualification for penning a horticulture column is that I know pH stands for please Help, you do not submit any questions and then I am left to not only ask stuff, but answer it, too. The only problem is when I ask myself something I don't know. I just hate it when I do that.
Just to spice things up a bit, for this week's segment we're going to focus on a specific topic instead of trying to cover the whole gamut of the garden. The only questions I will accept must be on the subject of beets, those denture-staining magenta roots that taste worse than the dirt from which you yank 'em.
Why beets? you ask. See. There we go. Now you're gettin' with the program.
And we're off ...
Q: Dear Mr. Garden Dude: Happy spring. Great to talk with you again. I wanted to start by thanking you for your wisdom and inspiration. Great stuff. While I was a little disappointed after my prizewinning rose bushes died after you recommended I mist them with formaldehyde, I think the cool weather was partly to blame. Anyway, beets, huh? Quite a choice. Any planting tips?
A: -- Hello, reader, good to hear from you again, too, (although I have absolutely no recollection whatsoever of ever before having stumbled across your existence). Beets can be planted early, and they like moist soil. The seeds are unique and can be easily mistaken for rodent droppings (just put one on your tongue, you'll note the difference right away), and each one is actually a cluster of seeds from which several babies will sprout. To thin them, take a rake and lightly separate the clusters. Now wait, in eight weeks, you'll have a pile of purplish-red balls that you'll try to give away to relatives and neighbors who will say, 'Yuch.' Yeah, that's it, just 'Yuch.' What more do you need to know?
Q: Howdy, Mr. Garden Dude. I've never planted beets before, but now that you recommend them, I plan to break four acres of new ground just to devote to them. What are their nutritional benefits?
A: First off, anyone who greets me with 'howdy' is either completely unaware of my professional stature among esteemed horticulturists, or was raised in Texas and perhaps ought to go back there. Anyway, beets are actually quite nutritious, and are known to be quite rich in fiber, Vitamins C and B6, folate, magnesium, potassium, phosphorus and iron. And, unlike many vegetables, their leaves are as healthy as their roots, and are commonly used in summer salads.
Believe it or not -- but why wouldn't you because you're hearing it from me -- beets are also known to help reduce high blood pressure. Beets, you see, contain high levels of nitrates, and as the human body converts these into nitric oxide, blood vessels dilate, reducing the blood pressure that can knock you dead before you can say, 'Hey, did someone park a bus on my chest?' Athletes also like to eat beets, as those same dietary nitrates help produce muscular energy.
Again, though, and I can't stress this enough, beets taste like boiled gym socks so you're probably gonna rather stay lazy and just pop a few more beta blockers.
Q: Dear Mr. Garden Dude: Longtime fan, first-time writer (well, actually the second, but you answered my first query with a note that said 'Get a life, slug.') Let's try again. What pests do I need to worry about in my beet patch?
A: Well, reader, sorry about that first note. I actually meant to call you a useless buffoon, but I must have been feeling nice that day.
As for beet pests, you have to watch out for blister beetles, sweet potato weevils, carrot weevil grubs, cutworms, moths, imbricated snout weevils, and of, course, the dreaded beet army worm. These tend to arrive first in small squads, but pretty soon you'll have platoons coming from your flanks, with artillery battalions attacking from beyond the carrot rows, and well, eventually, it's gonna be a whole damned division. My advice -- nuke 'em. One good atrazine bomb, and you're in the clear. Of course, you won't be able to plant in that spot again for 20 years, but, hey, they started it.
Q: Mr. Garden Dude. I'm overweight, and I've heard that beets might help me cut a few pounds. Thoughts?
A: Yeah, stop eatin' doughnuts, lardo. The bacon you wrap around your Doritos probably ain't helpin' much either.
Anyway, yeah, it is true, beets are a low-calorie, high-water content veggie. Because they are rich in fiber, by eating them you feel fuller, and thus may eat less.
And, you know, if you eat a piece of milk chocolate, it tastes so good, you're gonna want more. Eat a beet and there's a decent chance you'll never stick anything in your piehole again.
