I seem to have misplaced September…

Hello? Missing persons hotline?

Yes, this is Nathaniel Underwood. I would like to file a report. Well, kind of. Do you take missing months calls too?

Months. You know, there’s 12 of them in a year? Yep, like March and April, mhmm. Okay great. You see, I woke up this morning and couldn’t find September anywhere. Looked all over. Could have sworn that they were just here. I remember pretty clearly that August left and then I thought September came in but now I have no idea where they went. I think I recall something about the school year starting and I’m fairly certain I heard Chris Collinsworth’s voice for the first time in months, which usually means September is hanging around somewhere.

Where did I last see September? Uhhh…I think it must have been a couple days ago? I’m pretty sure I saw the now annual tradition of Wisconsin being absolutely destroyed by Alabama and that was the last that I… That was two and half weeks ago? That doesn’t make any sense. August literally just left; just look outside. It’s been sunny weather and in the 70s for a couple weeks now.

Yes, yes, I’ve looked everywhere. No, it’s not underneath the mountain of high school sports box scores I have accumulated on my desk, I double checked. I’ll even check again; yep not there! I even looked under the 2025 Tigers AL Central champions trophy and Mets NL wildcard bid I found in my trash can for some reason…how did those get there…?

Anyway, what were you saying? Personal September dates that would maybe jog my memory? Ummm, yeah, typically I have my birthday in September…oh wait, now that you say that, I do remember that now, because the Packers decided to bestow upon me the greatest gift of all: a loss to the Cleveland Browns. I guess I must have just locked that one away for some reason… So if my birthday did happen, then I suppose I saw September more recently than I thought.

Hm? What’s that? You figured it out? You think you know where September is? Okay great!

No, no that’s not…wait really? There’s no way it's October already. I’m looking at my calendar right now and…oh.

Okay, I see what you are saying now. Uh huh…I guess that makes sense.

Well, as long as September is safe and sound, that’s all I really care about. Yep, yep, no need to file anything. I feel a little dumb for calling now, but thanks for your help. I appreciate your assistance.

Oh, hey, you know what, one last thing, while I’ve got you here. You wouldn’t happen to have Green Day’s lead vocalist and guitarist Billie Joe Armstrong’s number on you would you? I told him I’d wake him up today and I really thought I had more time, so…no? Ah, alright, well it was worth a shot.

Anyway, if you see September hanging around, could you maybe let them know that I’d like them to hang around a little longer next year? I feel like we are both so busy that we hardly get to see each other any more. Cool, thanks. Alright, bye.

A C ERTAIN POINT OF V IEW