And the world’s worst superpower goes to…

Nathaniel U

nderwood Reporter

Spider-Man has superhuman strength and the ability to stick to walls. The Flash is incredibly fast, Mr. Fantastic is super stretchy, and Batman and Iron Man have the power of being extraordinarily wealthy. All interesting and useful abilities that allow these fictional heroes to do combat with equally buffed up evil doers and generally make the world a better place.

I have recently discovered that I too have an uncanny ability that supersedes those of your average human being, though finding a way to utilize it for the greater good of humanity has thus far escaped me. I think that I may have somehow acquired the universe’s most boring, least useful superpower and I don’t really know what to make of it.

Sure, maybe I should be happy that I was bestowed with this. After all, most people won’t get the same opportunity as I have. Still, I can’t help but compare it to all multitude of other possible abilities I could have gotten and not be disappointed.

See, I have the power to make the weather positively awful any time that I attend a Milwaukee Brewers baseball game.

This power was in full effect on Saturday when my parents, Mikaela and I went to the game against the Angels. We initially had hopes of tailgating and grilling out in the parking lot before the game, but those quickly changed when the forecast projected temperatures and precipitation levels that make such activities less than enjoyable.

Thanks, magic powers. It could certainly be worse; after all, American Family Field has an extendable roof to keep such weather from disturbing the game or the viewing experience all too much.

But still, come on. What can I even do with such a power? I guess if some evil fire monster decided to attack Milwaukee between the hours of four to nine o’clock for a typical night game I may be of some use, but what are the odds of that? I haven’t done the math, but I’d imagine they are pretty slim.

Add that to the fact that I myself have to freeze or get drenched anytime I want to try to tailgate before a Brewers game and I’ve got to say that it feels a bit more like a curse than a power.

But I’m trying to look at this with a glass-half-full mentality. Maybe, possibly, one of you out there will someday find yourself in desperate need of absolutely miserable weather, but the forecast shows nothing but sun and warm temps for the next week. If, for whatever reason, you ever find yourself in such a situation, I would like to extend my services in advance. While obviously my powers are centralized to Milwaukee, I find that oftentimes much of Wisconsin is also affected as collateral damage, so while I can’t necessarily guarantee anything outside the general radius of the Brewers stadium, there is still a good chance I would say. I won’t even charge anything too outlandish; just set me up with a ticket or two and I will do the rest.

Sigh. Spider-Man doesn’t know how good he has it.