Time to find out if I can grow a beard

I figure I should explore a lighter side of the COVID crisis this week, just for my own sanity and yours.

Basically, I’ve decided to take advantage of social distancing restrictions by trying to grow a beard for the first time in my life. Under normal circumstances, when I’d regularly come into contact with rooms full of people, I would try my hardest not to let my scruff grow beyond a few days.

Otherwise, as my wife would put it, I’d start to look “kind of homeless.” I’ve always had trouble growing anything besides patches of scraggly hair on my face, so I usually scrape it all off every few days just so I look presentable.

Now, with only a limited number of people seeing me in person each day, I’ve decided to let myself go. Not all the way, of course. I still shower daily and brush my teeth, but I figure I can skip the shaving routine for now just to see what happens.

To be honest, I’m already a little grossed out by the brown and grey carpet growing down my neck. At the same time, I’m also disappointed in my body’s apparent inability to create anything resembling a proper mustache. It just looks like fuzz to me.

I should probably address the rumor that came out earlier this year that the CDC was advising people to shave their beards and not allow themselves to grow out their facial hair. The CDC did not actually say that, though it did advise people that facial hair could interfere with ventilators if you were in need of one. So, if I feel signs of breathing problems, off goes my “beard.”

Perhaps I should start taking daily selfies just to track the progress of this experiment. As of right now, based on the slow rate of follicle growth, it feels like I’ll have to wait months to see what I look like with a full beard. Sometimes, that itchy feeling gets to me, and I think about how easy it would be just to grab a razor and return my face to normal.

But, so far, I’ve persisted. Most importantly, Linda has not asked me to shave at this point. She normally has a pretty low tolerance for my scruff, just because she’s not a fan of kissing a brillo pad. For the past couple of weeks, though, she’s let me proceed with my experiment without any complaints. She actually seems a little intrigued to see what will happen to her husband as he slowly turns into a “man with a beard” — or least a prepubescent werewolf. When I think about setting an end date for my beard-growing experiment, part of me thinks I should let it go until “this COVID thing” passes. Unfortunately, based on the latest projections, that could be a long time. If “safer at home” stays in effect for a few months, by May I might not recognize myself in the mirror.

OUT FOR A WALK

KEVIN O’BRIEN

EDITOR