Oh, honey…bees do poop

– Column –

Any time I park somewhere, there are at least two or three wasps that immediately surround the car, buzzing the front in particular. This has occurred for a good three weeks, and I know it’s a foreboding of weather to come.

I’m so annoyed that they are RIGHT THERE the moment I step out of the car. Where are they hiding that they see a vehicle pull in and it spurs them into action? Do they have a scout chosen specifically for that purpose?

I have an unreasonable animosity toward the wasps and just recently figured out why. I don’t hold a grudge, for these little kamikaze barbed insects of instant pain, against them personally, it’s just I know their swarming means colder days are just ahead and that’s the root of the disdain I bestow upon these harbingers of impending doom.

I know the wasps are just trying to procure a safe haven to hunker down and secure shelter for the harsh winter, I just prefer it’s not in the grill of my car.

Lately, I have noticed the little devils aren’t just divebombing the car grill, but seem to fly frenzied around my rear driver’s side door. After a close inspection, once the car was safely ensconced in the garage, I noticed a substance on the car window.

I gave it a good cleaning and put it out of my mind. The next morning, I noticed that same window was filthy with streaks. I’m obviously not a very good housekeeper. I thoroughly cleaned it again.

When this occurred the following day, the jig was up. At first, I thought it might be bird droppings. Not that I’m an aficionado in that respect, but it didn’t quite look like it was of an ornithological nature. Then, I had a brief moment of panic when it dawned on me that it could be bat droppings.

Not being an expert in the field of bat guano, I looked like a contortionist suffering from severe muscle spasms, as I gyrated and twisted every which way checking out the rafters, and every nook and cranny to ascertain if I had any unwanted mammals hanging upside down over the target area.

The coast was clear.

As I was conducting the hasty search, I noticed I have a wasp nest in each of the garage roof vents. There is a screen covering each opening, but I still encounter an occasional wasp inside the garage when I first open the entry door.

AHA! The one vent lines up directly with the rear driver’s side window. I was curious, so I Googled (because Google knows EVERYTHING, doesn’t it?), “Do bees poop?” They do.

The site states that bees have a mid-gut that is very similar to a human’s small intestine. It has a colon that is a storage place for poop. Honeybee excrement is liquid and yellow, and they almost always do their pooping outside the hive.

Bees have good personal hygiene…good to know. I guess? After researching if wasps extricate feces, according to Bug-Guide.net, they do purge themselves of fecal matter. It makes sense to me that that’s what is streaked down the glass.

It’s an absolute beast to remove. The consistency reminds me of taking super glue and mixing it with rubber cement, before tossing in a healthy dollop of honey. I’m sure a Brillo pad would do the trick, but would scratch the glass too much to be worth it.

The Internet says even going through a high pressure carwash won’t always remove the pesky residue either. That’s some strong stuff. Maybe I should market it and sell it as a building compound?

I need to spray the wasp nests with Hornet Killer, so their residents will vacate the premises and find somewhere else to use as their personal bathroom. I’m hesitant to do this, as I’m not exactly coordinated, or fleet of foot.

I keep envisioning myself using the insect repellant, which shoots a stream up to 20 feet away, missing the mark and sending the wasps into a raging fury, bent on kill mode. As I turn to run, it’s a given that I’ll trip and face plant, spread eagle, on the cement floor, while the winged avengers mercilessly bestow multiple stings across my elevated extremely large posterior. True story.

For now, I’ll just lay low and bide my time, waiting for the days to turn colder, hopefully rendering the unwelcome visitors sluggish enough, thereby allowing me a sporting chance to escape unscathed.