Rioting and looting is not for the elderly

– Columns –

Let me start out by saying I do not condone, in any fashion, rioting or looting, and I’m not poking fun at any businesses or individual where injuries, bodily harm or property damage has occurred.

That being said, we (in the office) were discussing the latest atrocities and one co-worker was concerned how she could defend the Courier property, should looters come to Cornell. That made me laugh, imagining an out of control mob, bent on destruction, choosing the newspaper office as their first destination.

It seems highly unlikely the consensus would be, “Hey! Lets go break into the Courier Sentinel. We can take a bunch of newspapers to read when we take a coffee break from wreaking havoc.”

My daughter, Hannah, and I talked about the madness occurring, and I said I noticed there seem to be no elderly rioting and looting. Han said that’s because the older generation has more intelligence and respect. I was impressed with her matter-of-fact answer.

My less impressive response was, “No. It’s because rioting and looting is physically exhausting.” No one would want me in their mob. I would be thee worst looter/rioter ever. I would constantly have to stop to use the bathroom at every business we broke into.

Plus, it seems this kind of activity only happens at night. (The darkness gives these cowards a false sense of security, perhaps?) Well, if going out for a night of pillaging, I would have to take a nap first. I’m too old to stay up all night. By 6 p.m., I’m ready to nap in the recliner until it’s time to go to bed.

Someone really needs to teach these degenerates how to properly engage in this type of thievery. Did you notice several individuals brought their children with them? Seriously? I’m all for “hands-on” learning, but that’s ridiculous.

Nice role models. While you’re snagging coveted goods, one of the first things you better plunder, is a bunch of orange t-shirts…your children may as well get used to prison colors.

It seems counter-productive to drag kids along when bent on a night of rioting and looting. You know you’re not going to be able to get through a store without them wanting everything in sight. When you try to explain to your little darlings they can’t have a toy, because that’s “not what you’re there to steal that night,” you can fully expect meltdown mode.

Then, they’re going to whine, because they’re hungry, they have to go to the bathroom (no judgment from me on that one), they want juice, or they’re tired and want you to carry them. If you brought multiple offspring, the continual bickering can distract you from what was on the list to pilfer.

The verbal threat of, “I’m going to count to 10, and if you kids don’t stop that fighting this minute, you’re staying in the car at the next place we burglarize,” may have some effect.

It amuses me the items people were grabbing, too. Choose things you can comfortably carry while running. Lets face it, a 70-inch plasma TV is just not practical, especially if you’re trying to herd your unruly tribe of miniature heathens down the aisle toward the exit.

If I was a parent looting today, I would make certain it’s lucrative. I would head straight for the school supply aisle. The list of items a child is asked to bring in the first day of school is extensive. It can get expensive, especially if buying for multiple children.

Depending on the child’s grade, supplies range from several spiral notebooks of various colors, with corresponding folders, sets of pens in red, blue and black ink, Pink Pearl erasers, No. 2 pencils, crayons, glue sticks, markers, colored pencils, bottles of Elmer’s glue, scissors, loose leaf paper, Ziploc bags, hand sanitizer (good luck finding this one), and Kleenex, to items required by older students, such as graph paper, a Texas Instrument calculator and a laptop computer, which is a must these days.

My generation would certainly have a different stolen goods priority list. The first place I would hit up, would be a pharmacy. Not to steal illicit drugs to sell for profit. I’m talking the real gold mine stuff. I would nab Centrum Silver, multi-vitamins, Vicks, acetaminophen, a back brace, Aleve, Icy Hot, Epson salt, a foot bath, Absorbine Jr., ice pack, a pill splitter, lotion and several heating pads.

After a night of purloining stolen goods, this body is going to rebel, as every muscle and joint protests the unaccustomed exercise.

So, I have no problem with the lunatics pursuing their night of debauchery, while I stay at home and doze in my nice cozy chair.