Parents urged to have conversations with youth about suicide

Professionals are urging parents and guardians to have deeper conversations with their children after a suicide pact was uncovered several weeks ago in Clark County. In addition to an influx of 15- and 16-year old kids, Taylor County crisis service facilitator Lori Walsh states that she’s also seen an increase in older teens seeking services.

“That time of their life is difficult and stressful,” she said, acknowledging that kids this age are often juggling jobs and relationships in addition to school and family responsibilities. Walsh says that these children are feeling that pressure while some are also preparing to live independently for the first time. She encourages parents and guardians to remind their kids that they still have a home and family support even after they’ve flown the nest.

There are other stressors plaguing children. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, girls start dating around the age of 12 and a half and boys start dating at 13. Drama with friend groups can be equally distressing. It can feel catastrophic when these relationships don’t work out, but parents and guardians can help kids navigate those tough emotions. It’s important to make sure that you feel calm and centered before having these discussions. It’s okay if you don’t know exactly what to say; kids need their caregivers to be present, not perfect. Start with something like, “I know this is really hard and I’m here for you.” Let your kids lead the conversation while asking gentle, open-ended questions.

In addition to struggles negotiating relationships there are a multitude of other factors exacerbating the mental health of school children. Some are dealing with the strain to do well in school itself while others have family-related stress, not to mention the world issues that hang over society as a whole. Some children already manage mental health diagnoses such as anxiety and depression on top of other stress factors.

And sometimes adults forget just how stressful it can be to be a child in the first place. Children are experiencing physical, mental and emotional changes that can greatly affect their mood and wellbeing. They’re constantly told what to do and how to spend their time, and while parents and loved ones mean the best for their kids, being told what to do can wear on a person.

There is danger in putting these demands on kids without giving them the skills needed to navigate the terrain as children who are under a lot of pressure are at an increased risk for other mental health symptoms and diagnoses. Professionals state that there is a need for children to learn resilience, the ability to cope with stress and setbacks. Loved ones can help by teaching emotional regulation, or how to manage strong feelings. Children can also benefit by learning problem-solving skills and by keeping strong relationships with family and friends. Resilience is built, not born.

Teachers and mental health professionals stress the importance of making sure that every child has a trusted adult they can go to if they need to talk. A trusted adult is not a parent or someone providing direct care to the child but still shares similar values as the child’s family. Perhaps most importantly a trusted adult is someone that the child chooses for themselves, someone they are comfortable seeking out on their own.

Abbotsford School District administrator Ryan Bargender reports that teachers are observing that some children cannot name an individual they would consider to be a trusted adult, so some coaches are even stepping up to fill that role. He emphasizes the importance of forming those relationships with children, stating, “We want every kid here to have a trusted adult.”

Anyone can be a trusted adult. It starts with being a role model as kids will frequently choose people who have traits or do work that interests them. In this role it’s important to listen and ask openended questions. As a trusted adult, it’s not your job to solve the child’s problems but rather to provide guidance and assistance with finding appropriate solutions and avenues. Equally as important is the need for boundaries and transparency as the child will need to understand that as the adult, it’s your responsibility to take action if you feel they need help.

As well as keeping communication lines open with children, professionals are encouraging caregivers to be forthcoming with them, too. Abbotsford Middle/High School principal Melissa Pilgrim said, “Communication is key, we make phone calls to outside resources all the time, we’ve called the crisis line with parents, we’ve had one parent say ‘I can’t do this,” and we help take appropriate steps.”

She says the first step is simply picking up the phone and calling the school if you think your child needs extra support. Pilgrim states that the district can rally their pupil services team or keep meetings small so families don’t feel intimidated or threatened; they want to help without overwhelming anyone who is already in a vulnerable position. She says that in a perfect world, this kind of conversation would include the child’s trusted adult.

It’s important to keep school supports in the loop and educators are looking for that feedback from parents and guardians. This helps the entire team to compare and contrast notes to learn what works best for the child. Walsh emphasizes the importance of signing any necessary releases so the school can in turn communicate with any outside supports, eliminating barriers in care.

Pilgrim states that these conversations can be difficult, especially more so when it’s stemmed from a behavioral event. But she encourages families to come in anyway, saying, “Kids are kids, mistakes are okay, let’s move on.”

These specialists report that they’re fortunate their communities value the health of its children. This is especially true in Abbotsford where Elementary School principal Abbey Frischmann states, “We just put a message out and the community rallies and brings it in.” She reports that Abbotsford residents have been known to purchase shoes for a first-time basketball player, and school supplies for kids who come to class with nothing. “We live in a community that’s really supportive,” she said.

Though it isn’t as easy as purchasing shoes or pencils, the children in this region will benefit from a different kind of support. It comes down to a simple conversation which can be learned and practiced through the various workshops and tutorials offered in this area.

“I don’t think you have to be a parent, or a caregiver,” said Taylor County clinical services coordinator Jen Meyer. “It’s everyone’s call.”

Editor’s note: This is part three of a series of articles to bring awareness of the growing suicide and mental health crisis impacting communities in Wisconsin.