Extension educator: Harness the power of connections

A smile, a wave, a compliment — all of these acts have the power to connect us as human beings and provide an increased sense of wellbeing.

Jackie Carattini, human development educator for the UW-Madison Division of Extension, shared just how powerful these connections can be in her talk, “Do You Know How Valuable You Are?” at the Clark County Home and Community Educators (HCE) Day held April 20 at Trinity Lutheran Church in Loyal. The following is a summary of her presentation.

Carattini argued that person-to-person connection is one of our fundamental needs. The pandemic halted many in-person connections and some of those connections were never fully regained. Many of us have experienced recent losses and are carrying burdens and challenges of the past few years. As a mobile, busy society, we have many demands on us and those demands may have changed or shifted. However, one benefit of the pandemic is it caused us to rediscover the value of human connections and what they truly mean to each of us.

“People need people. We need connection on many different levels,” said Carattini.

She said it could be as simple as making eye contact and smiling at someone you pass in the hallway, waving to a fellow driver while stopped at an intersection or saying “hello” to someone in the grocery store.

“These all say, ‘I see you.’ You don’t have to be friends with the person or even know the person. But people want to be and need to be seen… I teach a lot on mental health, whether it’s mental health first aid or anxiety and stress reduction. And especially when we’re talking about people who have contemplated suicide, they’ll talk about, ‘I just needed one person to acknowledge me. I was just waiting for one person to come up to me and say they saw me or even acknowledged that I’m there.’ That’s so powerful. It doesn’t take you being a social butterfly; it’s just this idea of acknowledging other people and there’s so many ways that we can do it.”

Psychologists have long understood the importance of social connection for human beings to lead happy, healthy lives. Psychologist Abraham Maslow, included love and belonging in his hierarchy of needs (1943). According to American Cancer Society research from 2018, people who have regular social connections experience less anxiety and less stress. On the flip side, a lack of regular social connection has a greater negative impact on physical health than cancer, obesity or heart disease.

“In the mid- to late-90s, doctors were actually writing prescriptions for social connections. You know, go join a card club. Go volunteer at the local food pantry. Because they were realizing that (socialization) is so important as we age. And especially as you retired, you had (built) a whole world around your work career and then what? So it was this idea of how to build new connections,” said Carattini.

Social connections can be found in many places. They can come from attending church, the people you see biking or walking past your home, volunteering, places you frequent like a store or restaurant, or social clubs or groups.

Along with passing connections that last just a short amount of time, individuals also need at least one person with whom they can experience a deeper connection and share their thoughts and feelings. Harvard psychologist Dr. Robert Brooks defined a “charismatic adult” as a person to whom you feel connected and from whom you can gather strength. Having one charismatic adult in a person’s life has a profound effect on both adults and children. That connection has the power to propel us forward in our goals and encourage us to persevere when times are tough.

“A lot of us that work with youth have long talked about how important it is for young people to have a person they can go to and talk to besides their parents. But it’s important for our continued wellbeing even as adults,” said Carattini.

She challenged the group to ask themselves, “Who’s that person for me?” and “Who am I that person for?”

If a person feels they are lacking in social connections, there are many ways to start connecting more. Connection could look like acts of service such as helping to clean someone’s yard or leaving baked goods on someone’s doorstep. It could be emotional support and sympathizing with what someone is going through, or offering perspective such as being reminded that we’ve all had a flat tire and it’s OK to have a bad day. Connection could include bonding over shared experiences or ways of looking at the world.

“Sometimes we feel isolated, so it feels good to find out that others think that way too. It reassures us that ‘I’m not the only one,’” Carattini said.

Carattini challenged participants to ask themselves what their “connection superpower” was and find someone new to connect with. She said that young people were particularly struggling in our society and encouraged everyone to find at least one person under age 30 that they could connect with. She said for college students or those far away from home, it could be particularly meaningful to send a card or package to let them know you are thinking of them.

If you want to get the most out of your existing relationships, there are several ways to strengthen them. You can make a list of who you want to connect with and schedule it into your calendar. Having a set day and time to connect with others makes you more likely to follow through and provides a sense of stability.

Another tip is to commit time each week to connect with real people, ideally in person, with no distractions.

“This could be your book club, card club or volunteering. You could even go for a walk or sit in the park together and watch nature. You don’t even have to talk. I can guarantee that both of you will still walk away feeling better for having connected,” said Carratini.

Another tip is to listen to understand, not to reply. Focus on not just what you have to tell the other person, but what they have to tell you. Finally, ask others what kind of help you can provide and be willing to receive help from others.

“If someone asks you how you’re doing, be honest!” said Carratini. “You can’t get those connections if you just say ‘I’m fine’ all the time.”

Every person has the power to impact the lives of those around them. Every positive connection you make, makes you a healthier person and leads to a fuller, richer life.