THE BORN LESAR

Who knew I was too dumb to use a toaster?

How stupid am I?

Whoa, wait, hang on, don't be so quick to rush to judgment here. It's a rhetorical question. I had no idea you had such strong feelings on the matter. Yeesh. I'm glad I didn't ask you how ugly you think I am. My mommy could get her feelings hurt.

The reason I submit the question of how ignorant I may be is because the world apparently thinks I'm a moron with a capital M. That would be Moron. Just in case you needed a visual. You're welcome.

Believe it or not (not is usually easier), all this talk of my witlessness is because of a simple purchase I made last week of one of those common contraptions we all take for granted in life, but when we don't have one, we panic and race to the nearest ShopMart to get another. That's right, I bought a new toaster -- well, of course a 4-slicer, you think I'm a weenie? -- and as I proudly brought it home and unpackaged it in my kitchen I was all set for a nice piece of semiburnt bread when it struck me -- hard now, not just a soft little pat -- that the good folks at Sunbeam think I'm a dolt. I mean, a Dolt. It's so much more dramatic that way, don't you think.

Anyway, so here I am, it's a Sunday evening, and I'm thinking I can simply pull the toaster from the box, plug it into an outlet, plop in a slice of whole grain, and let 'er toast. But wait, first, says my owner's manual, I must 'READ ALL INSTRUCTIONS BEFORE USE!'

Hey, it's a toaster. What part of put-inbread- and-push-down-the-lever can't I figure out by myself?

Lots, it turns out. First of all, I find, I am not to touch hot surfaces, especially the chrome ones, which 'become extremely hot.' Whew, close one there, 'cuz being the idiot that I am, I hadn't connected the fact that a toaster uses 'heat' to warm my bread, and I was actually planning to put my tongue on the orange-hot heating element until I read the manual. My momma' didn't raise no fool.

I read on -- 'to protect against electrical shock, do not immerse cord, plug or toaster in water or other liquids?' What? No rye bagels in the bathtub? Why didn't somebody tell me before I bought this thing? As for 'other liquids,' I'm stumped. Milk? Gasoline? Grape juice? I really don't see any reason ...

Next up, 'this appliance should not be used by young children... ' -- OK, I can live with that, no sense in singing tiny fingers before they grow their own prints -- 'or incapacitated persons.' Alright, somebody define 'incapacitated' for me, please, because in my house, anyone we consider incapacitated is probably not moving around in the kitchen looking to make toast. Eggs, maybe, but only scrambled. I mean, have you ever seen an incapacitated person trying to flip a nice sunnyside up? Oh, that's America's Funniest Home Videos quality stuff there.

Moving on, I am told not to dislodge food when the toaster is plugged in. Hey, I'm sorry, if I've got a hunk of T-bone stuck in my throat, I'm gettin' it out NOW and I don't care if the toaster is plu ... oh, they mean don't dislodge food from the toaster while it has voltage running into it? Good call. I imagine that applies to the tongue thing, too.

OK, next, I am not to operate my shiny new modern appliance near any flammable materials, such as curtains, draperies, walls, wall fabric, etc. That stands to reason, but I'm a little unclear here because the important safeguards page of my manual says nothing specifically about paper, cardboard, dried leaf matter, lawn clippings, used Kleenex (yeah, I cry a lot), Christmas wrapping, firecrackers, and cats (yikes, you ever seen Tigger catch fire? Not a pretty picture.) Remember now, I'm dumb and I think the Sunbeam people are taking a big risk in thinking that 'etc.' is covering all possible hazards. Bellybutton lint. There's another one. I'll bet they never even thought of that one in the product safety testing lab.

This next one really has me bummed -- do not use outdoors. Oh, you're kidding me. Here I have this fancy new toast-making wonder machine, complete with a light-dark selector knob, a bread carriage lever and a non-stick crumb tray (yeah, I paid extra), and I can't even take it down to the park to make toast for the guys while we're playin' football? And here I already bought a generator and 900 feet of cord. Man, hope I kept the receipts.

Next I find I am never (bold typeface, they're serious about this one) to leave my toaster unattended when it is in use. Hmm. Does that mean I can no longer throw a load of laundry in the dryer while my whole wheat slices are warming? Do I have to stay in the kitchen proper during the entire toasting time, or can I wander to the dining area to set the table? Surely, I understand that I can't go out and catch a movie while making toast, but this term 'unattended' is sort of vague. Good thing my Model 3822 has a stop button so I can 'stop the toasting process.' Sounds complicated, don't it? The toasting process. Is it also called 'the electrocution process' when I try to dislodge food while the damn thing is still plugged in?

Lastly -- and I'm sure this guide is written in order of importance -- I am warned to 'not use attachments that are not recommended by the manufacturer; they may cause injury.'

Really? Attachments? For a toaster? What do they do, apply the peanut butter and jelly after 'the toasting process?' Do you mean to tell me that I could also buy a device that would strap on to this ordinary kitchen contraption that would cut the brush in my backyard, or maybe drill out a clogged sink drain? How cool is that? Just imagine, a toaster/toilet plunger. Ain't technology marvelous?

Well, that's it, that's everything I need to know before I can safely enjoy my new toaster with the 'CoolTouch Exterior' -- that's trademarked, mind you -- the dual self-adjusting bread guides and the patented Bagel Button. I'll just go over here, fetch a piece of my favorite bre ... What?!?! No bread?!?! Man, they were right. I really am stupid.